I hate it when this happens--

It's a nice quiet Tuesday morning and I sit down at my desk to write my column fully prepared to let my inquiring mind spew forth with great knowledge and insight on any one of a plethora of critical issues that are screaming for my sharp writing skills and keen wit.

First, I like to read the headlines in the daily newspapers so let's see what's hot off the presses today.

America's role in global affairs and the continued conflicts in Afghanistan ...  Rebel forces and  Syrian soldiers exchanging one of the bloodiest conflicts since the uprising began 15 months ago... World leaders to hold emergency talks as the Eurzone crisis flares up...

Hmm, seems like the world is still in chaos.

Next, I turn to the electronic news and check out the headlines on the Internet.

CNN Money reports that wire hangers are driving up dry cleaning prices. It seems that the new trade penalties imposed on Vietnam, the leading manufacturer of wire hangers, is driving up the costs of hangers. Dry cleaners are passing on those costs to customers. The U.S. imported $31 million worth of Vietnamese hangers last year and an average dry cleaner goes through an average of 1,500 hangers every two weeks.

"No more wire hangers," I yell in my best Mommy Dearest/Joan Crawford impersonation as our daughter walks by.

Determined to be fully informed, my inquiring mind stumbles upon an army of venomous spiders invading an Indian town. According to the Huffington Post, droves of eight-legged pests invaded the town of Sadiya in May during a Hindu festival and killed two people. Witnesses said the creepy crawlies latched onto and bit anything that moved or breathed, according to The Times of India.

"Mike, how much Raid bug killer do we have," I ask as my husband is pouring his first cup of coffee.

There has to be something worthy of my mental abilities in the news.

Man dies after being detained at a Southern California Walmart store...  Mitt Romney and Queen Elizabeth share common money issues...

"Do you think Mitt Romney or Queen Elizabeth have ever shopped at a Walmart?," I ask as Mike walks back to the bedroom with his cup of coffee.

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman has booked her first stripping show at a Florida club in West Palm Beach, Florida.  It seems Octomom  needs to promote her solo sex tape, which is scheduled for a mid-June release. "My video is coming out soon and I am very excited to get out there and promote it,” Suleman said. "With 14 children I'd be excited to get out of the house too," I respond to Ms. Suleman.

I've had four children and I can't even watch myself change my clothes let alone have 14 children and expect someone to pay me to take off any part of my clothing. "Honey, if I'd given birth to 14 children would you pay money to watch me be a stripper?" I ask my husband.

"Did you call Mass DOT and update our information for the Fast Pass account?" he replies.

Not sure how one equals the other, I decide to turn my attention back to the news.

"Wow Mikey, according to the news, Cake Boss Buddy Valastro fired his sister Mary on last night's show," I yell as he passes by my doorway again. "I wonder if she forgot to update his Fast Pass account," he answers.

Being a fan of the TLC hit television show Cake Boss, I continued reading the article.

Buddy has been known to have a mouth on him, and the trait runs in the family. But after one too many instances where her mouth got her into trouble, Buddy had little choice but to pull his sister Mary aside and confront her. And, of course, things wound up in a shouting match. During the shouting match, Buddy made it clear that so long as he was alive, Mary would never ever manage Carlo's Bakery.

"I'm driving to Maine today and need to be sure the Fast Pass is working," Mike adds again, walking past the doorway.

Before I can make the call, the other failure to launch daughter yells up from the family room turned bedroom. "Mom, I need you to babysit the baby today and I need you to go to Bellingham right away as I'm going to be late to work," the voice yells through the two-story house. "Did you forget that I asked you to be the backup for this week?"

Quickly trying to find the information for both Fast Pass and my appointments for June 5, I try to explain about mother and child responsibilities. "Was that June 5, 2012?" I ask.

Before she can respond two of the three cats that the other 'grown-up' daughter brought home come running across my desk sending newspapers flying and keyboards falling.

"Killer spiders, stripping and decorating cakes sure seems like an easier way to make a living," I mumble.

With one last attempt to find something good in the world of news I turn back to the Internet.

Heroin vs. Häagen-Dazs: What Food Addiction Looks Like in the Brain... Is Häagen-Dazs ice cream as addictive as heroin?

"I give up," I yell, typing my last words.