Perplexing prose...

Since starting to seriously pursue my dream of being a writer, I've become increasingly aware of words and how other people weave them together to convey a message or idea. Conversely, I've also noticed just how complex or bewildering some statements are written.

Here are some concepts that have me pondering the complexities of the English language:

If  you eat pasta and antipasta together will you still be hungry? If you try to fail and succeed, does that mean you've actually failed? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song? Where are we going if we're not going to Hell in a hand basket? And what exactly is a hand basket and why do we need it to go to Hell? Why do we park on the drive way and drive on the parkway? One more? If clothes make the man, how come we can't judge a book by its cover?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? How can we have a Secret Service when everyone in the world knows they exist? If actions speak louder than words, how can the pen be mightier than the sword? If knowledge is power, how can ignorance be bliss? If a silent man is a wise one, then why is a man without words considered to be a man without thoughts? If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station at my desk?

I've also noticed a complete lack of faith in my mental capacity by the manufacturing/business community. Recently I bought a new hair dryer and found the following instructions printed on the warning label: Do not use while sleeping. Ya think? What if that's the only time I have to work on my hair?

On a bag of Doritos I read: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Is there a "shoplifter special" or do I open the bag in the store to see if I won and then put it back on the shelf?

The following directions were printed on the package of Dial soap: Use like regular soap. Hmmm... and that would be how? A statement on the package of a hotel shower cap reads: Fits one head. Really? Printed on the bottom of a Mrs. Smith's Chocolate Cream Pie: Do not turn upside down. (Oh... now you tell me!) On the box of frozen bread pudding: Caution! Product will be hot after heating. Isn't that the purpose?

The warning label on my new Black and Decker iron states: Do not iron clothes while on body. But wouldn't that save me some time? The warning label on a string of Christmas lights reads: For indoor or outdoor use only. As opposed to use in outer space? A Japanese food processor reads: Not to be used for other use. Now I'm curious.

A bottle of Vick's children's cough syrup warns: Do not drive car or operate machinery. We could make a significant reduction in the number of motor vehicle and workplace accidents if we didn't let five year-olds drive after taking cough medicine. A bottle of Nytol sleep aid reads: Warning: may cause drowsiness. Isn't that why I bought it?

A Swedish Husqvarna chainsaw warning label states: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. Is this a home castration kit?   My grandson's Superman pajamas warn: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly. One more childhood fantasy destroyed.

Get my point? How about those deeply philosophical bumper stickers?

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it

I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

Your reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I may be fat, but you're ugly and I'm on a diet!

Think we're perfect when it come to writing headlines?

Kids make nutritious snacks

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Two sisters reunited after 18 years at checkout counter

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

What will be will be, because life is what you make it.